


Why Marvel needs a Sassy Gay Friend

by Ash_Cassidy97



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, I blame this on a crack video about how Derek is a Sassy Gay friend in teen wolf, Not Serious, Out of Character, i wrote this instead of doing homework
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:03:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2609549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ash_Cassidy97/pseuds/Ash_Cassidy97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All of the problems of Marvel could've been solved, had there been a Sassy Gay Friend on hand.</p>
<p>-Coulson trading Ward<br/>-Bucky going back to Hydra<br/>-Coulson taking on Loki<br/>-Ward joining Garrett</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The list goes on so I'll be adding to this hopefully, but it is complete at the moment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Marvel needs a Sassy Gay Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [morbidcassanova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/morbidcassanova/gifts).



> All of the right to Sassy Gay Friend belong to The Second City Network. Sue them, not me. 
> 
> This is complete, and utter crack. Do not take it seriously.

Sassy Gay Friend

 

Meet Phil Coulson, he is about to make another deal with an unknown person that may or may not betray him. This fate could’ve been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend.

 

“What what what are you doing?”

 

“I’m making a deal with Ward’s brother, because Ward hasn’t given us any information.”

 

“So, you turn over a violent, suicidal person to his abusive older brother?”

 

“But he hasn’t given us any information.”

 

“Oh really? Oh really? Those tidbit thats he given to Skye are nothing? Nothing?”

 

“Maybe you’re right.”

 

“Yes, I am”

 

“Huh.”

 

“Let’s go get Hawkeye. P.S. that suite looks damn fine on you.”

 

“Oh. Really? Thank you. Nobody finds my suits sexy anymore.”

 

“Hence the need to find Hawkeye.”

 

 

* * *

 

Meet Bucky Barnes. He is about to get back in the chair, and be re-programmed by Hydra. This fate could’ve been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend.

 

“What. WHAT. What are you doing?”

 

“I must return to base.”

 

“What about that hot blond you met? Hmmm, he has abs.”

 

“I do not remember him. He is no longer important. I must return to base.”

 

“To the people that will torture you? Torture you?”

 

“I-”

 

“No. You are going back to the hot blond that actually called you by a human name. And I am going to check out his abs, mmmm’kay?”

 

“Okay.” *dejected sigh of defeat*

 

* * *

 

Meet Phil Coulson. His is about to attempt to take on Loki alone, and this would cause the destruction of one Clint Barton. This could’ve been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend.

 

“What What what are you doing?”

 

“I need to go track down a Norse god.”

 

“No. You are going to die. Die. You are going to die, and be way less sexy?!”

 

“But if I die, then the Avengers will rally around my death.”

 

“Okay, crazy. You’re talking about killing yourself. Killing yourself!!!!”

 

“But I’m the only one that-”

 

“Where are the other SHIELD agents? No, where are they?!”

 

“Ten seconds behind…”

 

“Exactly. Now shut up, and wait for backup like a good agent. What a stupid bitch.”

 

 

* * *

 

Meet Grant Ward. He is about to join Garret as a secrete agent. This fate could’ve been avoided if he had a sassy gay friend in jail.

 

“What What what are you doing?”

 

“I’m going to join a secret government agency.”

 

“Oh. And how is he going to get you out of prison? Hmmmm, magic carpet or the bombs, and other agents he has to break you out?”

 

“I don’t care. I want to be free.”

 

“A fugitive! A fugitive you will be!”

 

“I-”

 

“No. You are going to sit in jail, like a good boy, for a few years, and come out as a free man.”

 

“But I want to be free, and not have to worry about dropping the soap!”

 

“So, contact the man’s agency, and see if they approve his methods. Do not actually go with him. He’s waaaaaay too old for you anyway!”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Good. Now what are we going to do about these uniforms? They are so last season.”

 

 


End file.
